Good morning and greetings, extreme weather fans. It was a bit breezy on the westside of town last week, as the trade winds were gusting along the coast. The winds brought with them chains of pelicans, who flew by in glorious formations, with many stopping at the remaining arch at Natural Bridges to shower, shave and recharge their cell phones, which they keep in their bills. That’s right, cell phone bills. Can you hear me now?

So you may be wondering, how windy was it? It was so windy that on my wife’s birthday on Saturday, she didn’t have to blow out the candles. Unfortunately, her wish did not come true, as when the candles were extinguished, the basketball season still wasn’t over.

My wife and I follow the advice of that wise sage Phyllis Diller “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” Our marriage is still a work in progress, although she is constantly saying that I never listen to her. At least that’s what I think she said.

So getting back to my wife’s hoop dreams, if you’re an NBA fan, last week was a good one for you, as there were back-to-back overtime thrillers at the start of the conference finals. I realize that professional basketball on TV is not watched by every American with a pulse, with the main reason being the lack of constant violence, as players don’t smash into one another play after play until only the non-conscussioners are left standing. Basketball is a much more graceful sport, played by seven foot ballerinas with wing spans the size of pterodactyls and contracts even bigger.

But as basketball nuts were rejoicing, it was not a good week for the folks in Moore, Oklahoma, as a killer tornado packing 200 mile an hour winds tore through the city, leveling everything in its path. The photos of the destruction were terrifyingly amazing. I remember being instructed as a young child to wait 30 minutes after eating before going swimming and never turn your back on a tornado. And the world’s most dangerous food is wedding cake.

It was a scene of total devastation, as buildings, homes and schools were leveled by a storm that lasted less than an hour but will affect lives forever. It seems, like my subconcious wanderings, that the weather continues to get wilder and wilder, and if this is not global warming, than God is really pissed off about something. And he wanted me to remind you, his last name isn’t “Dammit.”

Perhaps he’s peeved because people litter. I originally supported the death penalty for litterers, but I’ve mellowed over the years and life without the possibility of an egg roll would suffice. I’m still amazed that as I stroll around in 2013, some morons still treat the earth like their personal ash tray. Listen, if you want to suck in that tar and nicotine into your lungs, be my guest. But I would really appreciate if you would not exhale, thereby not polluting my air space and that way getting double the carcinogens to build a straw mind and an unhealthy body. That may sound cruel, but I’m not living in Marlboro country.

And don’t get me started on the slaughter of African elephants by poachers fulfilling the Chinese insatiable need for ivory. I’m not of big fan of extinction, but that’s where these giant creatures of the forest are headed. And Asian gangs are to blame, as I may have to call for an international ban of all chow fun products. What do you get if a herd of elephants tramples Batman and Robin? Flatman and Ribbon.

Continuing on the litter front, the other day I was driving by a fast food establishment, which will remain nameless, (Burger King) and I saw a woman toss her lunch out of her window and onto the ground of the parking lot. My immediate reaction was wanted to strangle her and then go in and order the new Memphis pulled pork sandwich with an Oreo shake. This woman needed a severe scolding or a lobotomy, although I doubt either would have helped. So I opted for the strawberry banana smoothie and some blood pressure medication.

I’m always wondering, where are these people’s consciences, where are their souls? Now, this isn’t the world’s worst offense, like murder or pirating a cable signal, but it leads me to believe that these people, like the batteries in my transistor radio, are dead inside. Which brings to mind the words of Marilyn Monroe, firing back at her critics when she said, “It’s not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on.” Works for me.

So where is this all leading? Well, while our military is racked by gross sexual misconduct, troops still dying in Afghanistan and the IRS being called in for a major audit, spring flowers, gently prodded by April showers, continue to bloom.

We had a little rainfall on the morning of May 12, so I put on my Doobie Brothers raincoat, grabbed my camera and headed out into the pleasant storm. I didn’t have to travel much further than my front yard, as this year, the roses are blooming faster than I can make bouquets. I’d like to think that it’s my organic gardening technique, but that would be giving myself more credit than when I graded myself in college at Syracuse.

I cut back these beauties in the winter, and as a way of saying thanks, they came back with a vengeance I haven’t seen since Kathleen Turner and Michael Douglas hit the big screen in ‘War of the Roses.” Let me end with a flowery quote from former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt. ““I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.” Thank you and good night.

On to some late night humor. “During a Senate hearing yesterday, Senator John McCain said it was too hard to always have to update apps on his iPhone. No one has the heart to tell him the device he was holding was a garage door opener. A new international poll finds the least popular country in the world is Iran. After hearing this, North Korea said, “What do we have to do?” –Conan O’Brien

“Anthony Weiner has formally announced he is running for mayor of New York City. “Weiner said, ‘Nobody will work harder to make it better.’ As opposed to his first campaign promise, which was ‘Nobody will work better to make it harder.'” –Jay Leno “Everything’s going bad for President Obama with Benghazi and other controversies. But Obama’s trying to turn things around. He’s sending in SEAL Team 6 to bring back Justin Bieber’s monkey.” –David Letterman Meanwhile, in Saudi Arabia the head of the religious police said he believes that Saudi citizens who use Twitter will go to hell. Let me get this straight. Tweeting leads to damnation. But filling a palace with kidnapped beauty contestants — that’s OK?” – Jimmy Kimmel

“Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said ‘Weed 420,’ I might expect to get pulled over now and then. “Prince Harry this week toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince, of the House of Windsor, and the Governor, of the House of Pancake.'” –Amy Poehler

“If you think Benghazi is worse than slavery, the Trail of Tears, Japanese internment, Tuskegee, purposefully injecting Guatemalan mental patients with syphilis, lying about WMDs, and the fact that banks today are still foreclosing on mortgages they don’t own, then your hard-on for Obama has lasted more than four hours, and you need to call a doctor. “The Obama administration is experiencing multiple scandals, and the Republicans are having multiple orgasms. Three scandals at once? Rush Limbaugh today said, ‘I feel like I’m on Oxycontin again.'” –Bill Maher

So that’s our last blast for May. Birthday wishes go out on Tuesday to my sister-in-law Wendi Gilbert, who lives by the simple philosophy that any day involving chocolate is a good day.

We’ll catch you showing the Miami Heat and a national TV audience why you look like an-up-and coming NBA superstar. Aloha, mahalo and later, Paul George fans.

Good morning and greetings, national park fans. I’m always amazed
when I drive along the freeways of life at how much litter I see on
the side of the road. The majority of it is usually plastic bags, bottles and George Bush ‘Mission Accomplished’ t-shirts.

It is such a visual blight and I always think, this isn’t a third-world country, this is America. How can this be happening? This is why I’ve always been in favor of capitol punishment for litterers, but perhaps that’s a tad extreme. Fifteen to life or having to read the Tea Party’s weekly newsletter might be more appropriate.

So that leads me to a story wriiten by Shaun McKinnon in the
Arizona Republic. In the very near future, when you visit the Grand
Canyon, it’s going to be BYOBA, as in bring your own bottled aqua, as
the National Park Service says it will no longer allow the sales of bottled-water. This is because millions of these discarded plastic containers are littering trails, filling trash and recycling bins while just making one plastic, fantastic mess in one of our nation’s wonderlands.

These new rules take effect in about 30 days, to coincide with the
start of March Madness. Visitors can still bring in bottled water,
Mountain Dew or Diet Snapple into this grandest of all canyons, but
no water will be available for purchase. The Park Service is hoping that hikers, tourists and surivalists will instead switch to reusable containers
they can top off for free at refilling stations at the South Rim, North Rim or the way I had hoped to live my life, above the rim.

Park officials claim that plastic bottles for account of 30 percent of the
Canyon’s recyclable trash and 20 percent of the overall trash, which I think is rubbish. The decision comes more than a year after they announced the no-sale of bottled water policy, and then backtracked after Coca-Cola, which sells the Dasani brand of water, went nuts and sought to block the ban. And we know that Dasani, which Coca Cola designed to make a difference, claims to be the most refreshing water you will ever taste. Personally, I prefer my chemical contaminants from out of the tap.

The ban is part of a new nationwide policy put in place in December,
instructing all parks to work toward halting bottled-water sales and
large foam fingers. The policy is aimed more at hikers than casual
visitors, who can still purchase Gatorade, Dr. Pepper and a variety of
tropical smoothies at the Canyon gift shops.

Park officials say that discarded bottles have become a serious problem along the trails on the rim and in the Canyon’s soft, chewy interior. The Park’s chief concessions operator says that because of the ban they will lose money, but right now “that’s water under the bridge,” and they will attempt to make up some of the difference with sales of Herman Cain campaign memorabilia.

I think it’s a great idea. And if I never saw another customer leaving
Costco with a flat of 100 bottles in tow, I think I could still sleep at night. The environment and the American Council for Pick up Your Damn Garbage thanks you.

On the photo front, the skies lit up last Thursday night with a sunset
for the ages. It was spectacular on two different fronts, with giant peach-colored clouds to the east with orange waves of grain to the west. Unfortunately, I viewed it through the windshield my car as I hurtled back through time and space on my way home from Hollister.

So although I did see it, I didn’t quite capture the moment. But
thank goodness one of today’s youth intervened and put the moment in perspective. My son Jason said, “Dad, the important thing is that we saw it,” I replied “Son, you’re absolutely right,” and then I made him ride home in the trunk the rest of the way.

So instead I’m showcasing a sunset shot from Stockton Avenue back on the evening of January 29. It pales in comparison to the stars and stripes extravaganza of last week, but it will work for this week’s post. It seems the fabulous sunrises and sunsets, much like my mother’s favorite show ‘Parenthood,” is closing down for the season and will soon be history.

I believe it was either Groucho or Karl Marx who said, “History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce.” John F. Kennedy said that “History is a relentless master. It has no present, only the past rushing into the future. To try to hold fast is to be swept aside.” But I like to quote another former president, Dwight D. Eisenhower, who once said, “Neither a wise man nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future or the New York Giant’s defense to run over him.”

On to the late night. “Donald Trump announced he is building a new
hotel four blocks from the White House. And with any luck, that will
be about as close to the White House as Donald Trump will ever get.” –Jay Leno “It was a busy day for Trump, because just this morning, his hair popped out of the ground and predicted six more weeks of winter.” –Jimmy Fallon “Newt and Hillary are very similar. Both spent the ‘90s trying to figure out who Bill was sleeping with. And they have the
same tailor.” –Craig Ferguson

“One of the most talked about commercials was the one with Clint
Eastwood, where he said, ‘It’s halftime in America, and our second
half is about to begin.’ The bad news? China has the ball and we’re
down $15 trillion. Congratulations once again to the world champion
New York Giants.They played a great game. Eli Manning now has two
rings. Two! But that’s still one less ring than Newt Gingrich.” –Jay Leno

“Former presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is on the show tonight. If
you know anything about this guy, he dropped out. But he’s a former
governor, Ambassador to China, honest, kind, ethical, a good husband,
and a good father. He never stood a chance.” –Jay Leno “Rick Santorum was the big winner. He is feeling very cocky. He already is being fitted for an inaugural sweater vest.” –David Letterman “A mother in China gave birth to a 15-pound baby. Chinese officials say it’s so
big, it can do the work of two babies.” –Conan O’Brien

It was a wild week on the central coast, as a huge swell hit
last Wednesday, bringing enormous waves that smashed against the
cliffs in spectacular displays of spray and wash. When the ocean
displays this kind of energy, power and fury, it is a sight never to be missed. All part of the Magic Johnson at the edge of the continent.

And speaking of energy, I hope you caught some New York Knick’s action this week, because there was some something special happening in Madison Square Garden. Harvard was in the house. We’ll catch you hitting threes, twisting layups and 360 drives in the lane. Aloha, mahalo and later, Jeremy Lin fans.