Good morning and greetings, springtime fans. After a week of game-winning, buzzer-beating March Madness, there are now the Sweet 16 teams alive in their quest for the magical,mystical national college championship.
Well, let’s just say 15 contenders and the University of Kentucky. The Kareem always rises to the top.
But in the midst of all this hoop hysteria, there is something else brewing that puts even the biggest gamblers on edge. Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time of year to let the feds in on if you’ve been naughty or nice. So open up those W-2′s and 1099′s and let the sunshine in. It’s tax season.
The Beatles once crooned, “Everybody’s got something to hide except for me and my monkey.” As for myself, I am an open book when it comes to paying the piper. And this year, I am doing more than my share to help fund federal giveaway programs, like national health care, rebuilding the infrastructure of Afghanistan and support for Yemeni rebels. Despite what they say, when in Yemen, you make yemenade.
So how did we end up with this tax system? How did this whole federal income tax program come around, and why in the wide, wide world of sports was it needed? Inquiring minds want to know.I ran across a site called
randomhistory.com, which provided some answers to the tax situation along with some comic relief on this not so thrilling topic . Or as they say at Morgan Stanley, “You must pay taxes. But there’s no law that says you gotta leave a tip.”
Let’s face it. It feels good paying taxes, supporting our government. It’s the ultimate economic cleansing. According to my sources, which are always sketchy, Americans starting paying income tax to support the American Civil War. The Revenue Act of 1861 paid for this four year conflict, at a cost of $2.5 million a day, or what Oracle Arena collects in parking revenue on Warrior game nights.
However, the act was repealed and replaced the following year with the tiered income tax, which lead many people to start shedding tears. The current income tax system was made into law in 1913, before the start of World War II. This came about as the feds needed more coin from the populace to fund our foreign conflicts, so they started withholding taxes from people’s paycheck.
In 1913, the kid friendly federal form 1040 was introduced. This required all citizens, legal permanent residents and criminals with a net income of $3,000 or more to file their tax returns. It was simple, as it only consisted of three, fun-filled pages, something that even Ted Cruz could understand.
WW II led to the creation of the Bureau of Internal Revenue, which became the IRS. The Internal Revenue Service is responsible for collecting taxes, enforcing revenue laws and messing with people’s heads as part of the U.S. Department of Treasury, which is the world’s largest accounting and tax-collection organization. I tried to have my name removed from their mailing list, but they refused to cancel my subscription.
Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”
Filling out the tax form and taking the proper deductions can be a tricky proposition. I leave it up to my trustworthy accountant to do my bidding for me. Let’s just say he knows what’s in and what’s out, where to slice and dice. This year he’s counting my weight loss as a non-capital gain.
Or as author Herman Wouk once wrote, “Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” And Albert Einstein, who was no slouch, professed that “The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.” I wonder who did his taxes? H & R Block?
But hey, if you’re looking to make a little coin around tax time, you can make big bucks by reporting a company for tax evasion. The IRS Whistleblower Office will pay money to people who blow the whistle on persons who fail to pay the tax that they owe. If the IRS uses information provided by the whistleblower, they can collect up to 30 percent of the additional tax and penalties, tax free. If you snitch, you can become rich.
Sounds like easy money. Now some companies get away with murder. In 2009, Bank of America had an income of $4.4 billion. They paid $0 in taxes. In 2010, General Electric made $4 billion in U.S. profits. It paid $0 in taxes. Now that’s imagination at work.Now why I am paying to build roads, bridges and Starbucks in Taliban country, when G.E., an American multinational conglomerate corporation, pays zilch. Is it because they bring good things to life?
So finally, here’s my favorite fact about taxes. According to the website historic-UK.com, Lady Godiva, not to be confused with Lady Gaga, was a rich landowner in England. Her husband was an evil son of bitch and he demanded from the people of Coventry to pay oppressive taxes.
Lady Godiva pleaded with him to stop this hated tax and he is reputed to have said, “You will have to ride naked through Coventry before I will change my ways.”
This jackass was sure that his modest wife would never strip down. But Lady Godiva took him at his word, and on Market Day in Coventry she rode naked, covered only by her long golden hair, which covered her entire body so that only her face and legs could be seen.
This son of a bitch was so stunned by the whole incident that he believed it was a miracle that no one had seen his wife’s naked body, and he immediately freed the town from paying the hated tax.
And this led to the publishing of the first Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.
So let me end with a little ditty by poet Ogden Nash that sums up my feelings. “Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes. The wind will presently disappear, but the taxes last us all the year.”
For our non-taxable photos series, we are heading down to Lighthouse Point along West Cliff Drive on the morning of January 4. The sky lit up early with vivid red and orange colors, and cast a beautiful reflection down on the sand at Its Beach. It was my first sunrise of 2015, and it was magnificent, as the sky was a nicely painted canvas of colors. Then the sun rose over the bay and my work for the day was done.
On to some late night humor. “In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he’s quote, “the worst president of my lifetime, without question.” Then Cheney said, “But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off? During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, “The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.” Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, “No it’s not.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama’s mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran. President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii’s governor said, “Great, who’s going to want to come to Hawaii now?”” – Conan O’Brien
“A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.Officials in Indiana have discovered a working meth lab inside a Walmart. They became suspicious when they noticed a Walmart employee making a decent living.” -Conan O’Brien
“Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. It’s the only time of year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles when it’s not the end of a car chase. Some people are still angry about the letter written by Republicans to Iran. It’s also not helping that they said, “Dear Iran or Iraq, we can never keep you two straight.” – Conan O’Brien “A grandmother in South Africa celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It’s pretty impressive — most people turning 100 usually go the other direction in the sky. – Jimmy Fallon
So we’ll catch you making your father’s day by hitting the game-winning shot for your Georgia State squad that upset Baylor in the first round of the NCAA’s. Aloha, mahalo and later, R. J. Hunter fans.
