Good morning and greetings, Missouri Senate race fans. Well, it’s late August, and sun worshippers are still hitting the beaches in an effort to procure that all-important summer tan. As for me, I’m always tan on the inside. Or in the words of Woody Allen, “With my complexion, I don’t tan, I stroke.”

When folks hit the beach, they bring along sunbock, umbrellas and Yankee hats to make sure they don’t get toasted by the sun. Well, hold onto your SPF 50, beach lovers, as there’s a new beach craze hitting the sands. You’ve heard of the bikini. Well, get ready for the facekini.

This unusual beach accessory has been around in China for five years, but it is just now hitting the western cyber shores. The facekini is made of elastic fabric and covers a person’s entire melon and neck down to the collarbone. There are holes cut out for the neck, nose and mouths. Think Zorro in a Speedo.

So you ask, why are Chinese woman covering up their lovely faces at the beaches of Qingdao, which is in the eastern Chinese province of Shangdong, just down the road from Shama Lama Ding Dong? White skin is considered a sign of beauty in China. The Chinese have an old sayng that translates as “white skin covers up a hundred uglinenesses” and “soup not included on to-go lunches.”

Chinese women feel that tanned skin is not as pretty as white skin. Skin color is an indicator of your social status. Darker skin means you work outside in the fields or at a tanning salon, where summer never ends. The lighter you are, the wealthier and more professional and respected you seem. Having darker skin is reminiscent of peasants, laborers, farmers and NBA players.

So the female population in China is making sure their skin stays as white as the Aryan Brotherhood during the summer tanning season. Swimmers wear full-body bathing suits, while strollers carry umbrellas in full body armor while strolling along the streets of the city. Or in the words of the Lovin’ Spoonfuls. “Hot down, summer in the city, back of my neck getting dirty and gritty.” Well, my friends, not in a facekini.

This item has become such a hit that vendors have gone facekini wild, with dozens of colors available, from electric blue to hot pink to sizzling rice soup. Personally, I prefer the Kung Pao purple. They also have different size eye holes, seam placements and turtleneck models for winter swimming. The cost ranges from $2 to $4, with a Friday special of buy one facekini at full price and get a half order of barbecue spare ribs.

For Chinese women, wearing a mask to the beach is no big deal. I, myself, am used to wearing a mask, but that is just to hide my emotions. But there are other benefits to the facekini. Not only does it shield wearers from UV rays, but it also keeps away pests like sharks, insects, jellyfish stings and kids playing smashball.

So when did being tan become the thing to do? In 1923, fashion designer Coco Chanel accidentally got sunburned while sailing aboard a yacht to Cannes. When she returned from the Riviera golden brown, her fans and followers went wild. So before you could say, “the healthiest tan is no tan,” an industry was born. Or as I recently told my wardrobe consultant,” I am made of blue sky and golden light, and I will feel this way forever…share the fantasy”-Chanel No. 5.”

For today’s photo ensemble, we are once again heading back to the South Pacific. This is your basic Garden Isle variety pack, featuring waterfalls, flowers, wildlife and traces of love, long ago, that didn’t turn out right.

Photo #1 is of Wailua Falls. which is your basic drive-thru waterfall located about ten minutes from the airport in Lihue. Personally, I prefer to hike in to shoot my subjects, cutting through the thick underbrush with a machete while fighting off leeches, but driving right up and shooting out the car window also works for me. Because of the gray sky, the shot did not include the everpresent rainbow that usually appears, so I just had to just settle for this majestic, 80-foot cascading river of macadamia nut love.

Then it’s on to Opaeka’a Falls, which flow all year round from Wailua River. The name dates back from days when walnut shrimp swarmed the river and were seen rolling in the turbulent waters at the base of the falls along the banks of macaroni salad with two scoops of rice.

We now move onto the wonderland that is the plumeria. This flower blooms year round in the islands, and it’s fragrance is right out of heaven, a combination of jasmine, gardenia and Old Spice. When you smell the beautiul blossoms of this plant, there is no denying that you are in paradise. As the say about leis, betcha can’t smell just one.

We then come to a Hawaiian octopus, which was caught by a fisherman from Honolulu, who came from a family where all eight brothers were divers. I watched as this eight tentacled octopus changed colors, and was amazed by the way it moved and its beauty. This exotic creature was later used that day as live bait in hopes of reeling in a 90 to 100 pound fish. Good things come to those who bait.

The final shot features an electric green fella that was from a band of geckos that spent the day lounging around in an Australian palm tree on the property. He didn’t have much to say, although he did mention that “15 minutes could save me 15% or more on car insurance.

On to the late night. “Today the Republicans are getting ready for the convention. They’re busy down there in Florida auditioning minorities.” –David Letterman “They’re now worried that Tropical Storm Isaac could hit Florida during next week’s Republican convention. But Florida is ready for it. Thanks to President Obama’s economic policies, many businesses down there are already boarded up.” –Jay Leno

“Tropical Storm Isaac is expected to develop into a hurricane in the next few days. Unfortunately, the Republican National Convention starts in Florida on Monday. The National Weather Service says the storm could reach category 5, which is strong enough to move Mitt Romney’s part to the other side of his head.” –Jimmy Kimmel “Rest assured, no matter how high those winds get, not a single hair on Romney’s or Paul Ryan’s head will move. They have guaranteed that. “Mitt Romney says if he is elected he will create 12 million new jobs in his first year in office – and that’s just for people to do his taxes.” –Jay Leno

“In a new interview with Fortune magazine, Mitt Romney says he wants to cut funding for PBS. When he heard that, Oscar the Grouch was like, ‘Seriously? I already live in a garbage can — how much worse can my life get?'” –Jimmy Fallon “Paul Ryan just released his tax returns for the last two years, and it turns out he and his wife had a combined income of over $323,000 last year. To which Mitt Romney said, ‘See, I do reach out to poor people.” –Jay Leno

“Happy birthday to gold medalist sprinter Usain Bolt. He turned 26 this week. You know the sad thing? His world record time has already been broken by Republicans running away from Missouri Congressman Todd Akin. He announced that he is staying in the race. Is that a surprise? A guy who knows so little about a woman’s body doesn’t know when it’s time to pull out.” –Jay Leno “Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That’s too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century. Akin apologized on Rachel Ray’s show and then they made veal mea culpa.” –David Letterman

So that’s an update from the shores of the People’s Republic. I’m not even going to bring up the lunacy of 66 American troops being killed in Afghanistan in August, the single deadliest month since the war began in 2001. The first 1,000 U.S casulties occured over a ten-year period. The next 1,000 happened in 27 months. These aren’t just numbers, they are brave Americans with families. How about a surge to bring them home?

We’ll catch you showing everyone, why at 21 years-of-age, you’re the best player in baseball this season. Aloha, mahalo and later, Mike Trout fans.

Good morning and greetings, tropical storm fans. What is it with the national weather picture? If you’re keeping a scorecard at home, the weather across our nation has been wackier in 2011 than the statements coming out of the mouth of Texas Governor Rick Perry.

It has been a year of extreme conditions in the USA, with killer tornadoes, paralyzing blizzards, unrelenting triple digit heat, record-setting drought, massive flooding, raging wildfires, unusual earthquakes and most significantly, the Yankees having the second-best record in baseball with just one proven starting pitcher.

In an article written by Associated Press Science writer Seth Borenstein, he states that total weather losses so far for the year top $35 billion and 25 cents, and that’s not counting Hurricane Irene, Tropical Storm Lee or the upcoming NBA lockout. This is not to say that the rest of the world has been having a picnic in 2011, as there was the horrific earthquake and tsunami in Japan, major flooding in Australia, the devastating drought in Africa and the bring your guns to home and work program sponsored by the Mexican drug cartels.

And as Andrew Luck would have it, we’re right in the middle of September, when hurricanes and pro football take center stage. In the first six months of 2011, there were 98 natural disasters in the United States, not to mention the current field of Republican presidential candidates. That is double the average of the 1990’s, which doesn’t include the Columbine school massacre, the O.J .Simpson murder trial and “Beverly Hills 90210.”

Then there’s the unforgiving, relentless, sweltering heat that has been massacring the southwestern states. Tens of thousands of daily weather CD’s and records, including most consecutive mornings on West Cliff Drive without seeing the sun, have been broken or tied. Nearly 1,000 all-time records have been set, with most of them heat or rain, or in the supreme words of Diana Ross, “No wind, no rain, nor winter storms, can stop me babe, oh babe.”

This has also been the hottest summer in Texas history. How hot has it been? It was so hot, Tim Duncan saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner. More records have been broken than at my high school graduation party. The word scorching doesn’t begin to describe it or Dirk Nowitzki’s outside shooting in the NBA Finals.

The Lone Star state has also experienced it’s worst fire season in history, with over 3.5 million acres burned to go along with it’s driest one year period ever. The stars at night may be big and bright, but it’s been a blazing inferno deep in the heart of Texas. And if that weren’t enough, in July, Oklahoma went into the books as America’s hottest month by any state in recorded history. And this doesn’t include Timothy McVeigh burning in hell.

One of the most troubling aspects of the extreme heat is the record-high nighttime temperatures. It may cool off at night here on the central coast, but a good part of the nation gets treated to the relaxing in an oven experience. The evening highs shows that the country isn’t cooling off at all in the evening, which is what the crops, the human body and my night nurses need.

So why in the wide, wide world of sports do I bring this up? Because here in Santa Cruz, instead of percolating in the heat, we’re still waiting for things to warm up. We had one day last week that I would describe as Indian summer, as the rest of the week was more like August fog mode. Now I’m not complaining, as I’ll take the fog and clouds any day over sweltering heat, but if it warmed up a tad and the sky turned blue before Oprah comes on in the afternoon, Steadman and I wouldn’t be upset.

For today’s photo relay we are going vertical, with three waterfall shots followed by three from the rainbow files from the Garden Isle. The first photo is Wailau Falls, followed by a brilliant red clay waterfall that I shot on the road to Waimea Canyon. The next are cascading waterfalls from after a rain on the mountains that form the backdrop to the town of Hanalei. This was the view from my bedroom on the north shore of Kauai along with an box of Mauna Loa chocolate covered macadamia nuts. It was a tremendous place to quietly read and sob in silence.

We finish up with some vivid Hanalei rainbow moments. According to my lunar calendar, we have one more week’s worth of South Pacific photos before returning to local action, so sunrises, sunsets and more of my fascinating life story are on the way.

On to the late night. “The Republican presidential candidates will have a debate at the Reagan Library. They were going to have it at the George W. Bush Library but they couldn’t fit all eight of them in the bouncy house. The oil industry said if they were allowed to drill more, they could create over a million new jobs. Of course most of those jobs would be cleaning oil off ducks. In Iowa Sarah Palin ran a half marathon and came in second place. Of course no one saw her do it, because she refused to tell anyone she was running.” –Conan O’Brien

“A town in Arizona wants to have its own version of Spain’s running of the bulls. Right. If there’s one thing Arizona is missing it’s thousands of Spanish-speaking people running for their lives.” Apparently, Mitt Romney is planning to build a huge addition onto his beach house in California. And here’s the cool part: They’re using the same wood that they used to build Mitt Romney. A woman in Alaska punched a bear in the face after it threatened her dog Or as Sarah Palin put it, ‘Teach me, sensei.'” –Jimmy Fallon

“‘The White House agreed to move President Obama’s speech from Wednesday to Thursday because the Republicans have a debate scheduled for Wednesday. So the debate that no one is going to watch holds more weight than the speech no one is going to believe. “Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because ‘the states could do a gooder job.’ “A New Mexico state trooper in full uniform was caught having sex with a woman on the hood of her car. She was so drunk that halfway through she said, “Hey, that’s not a Breathalyzer!” –Jay Leno

That’s our national weather report. So enjoy the last full week of summer and the start of the new fall TV season.
We’ll catch you banging winners from the baseline. Aloha, mahalo and later, Brooklyn Decker fans.